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Archive for the ‘Comic Relief’ Category

Trump needs a drink

February 9, 2017 Leave a comment

needs a drink. The last two presidents who didn’t drink were the worst. Preside responsibly.

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Make America Great Again?

February 9, 2017 Leave a comment

Only 2 weeks into his presidency, Trump is changing his slogan: “Make America Prevaricate Again.”

Did you know there are dinosaurs in The White House?

January 22, 2017 Leave a comment

Did you know there are dinosaurs in The White House?

T-Rump and Rex T.

© January 22, 2017 Justin Bass @J3BOh @j333bass #jokes

For Saturday Night Live: Black & White After Midnight, With Bill Cosby & Roger Ailes

November 30, 2016 Leave a comment

Interior penthouse. Cosby and Ailes sit in leather seats fireside.

Cosby: Well, Roger, who are we going to do tonight?

Ailes: You mean interview.

Knock at the door.

Cosby: Come in.

In walks The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party

Ailes: Oh, no.

Girl: Oh, my God, Roger, how are you? Or should I say, what ails ya?

Ailes squirms in his chair and tries to stand up. Girl pushes him back down in his seat.

Girl: Oh, no, don’t get up. I know how you like to stay seated so I have to bend over to you. Here they are, Roger. Do you miss them?

Ailes: Uh, what?

Cosby: Hey, what about me?

Girl takes out her smartphone and starts video recording Cosby.

Girl: Nice to meet you, Mr. Cosby. Can you get me something to drink? I’m just going to record you the whole time, so you don’t drug me unawares.

Cosby: Come on now. Those are just rumors.

Ailes: Ha! He gets laughter and sex the same way: forced.

Cosby: Dohhh!

Girl: Oh really, Roger, are you going to be on the next season of The Real Sexual Harassers of New York?

Ailes: This interview isn’t going very well.

Cosby: We need some drinks!

Cosby gets up to make some drinks behind the cocktail bar. Girl points her cellphone at Cosby and turns her head to talk to Ailes.

Girl: I’m here about the job on Craigslist. Help a mystery man make America great again!

Donald Trump enters the room.

Trump: Did somebody say make America great again? Roger, you found me somebody! Bill. (nods to Cosby). Hello (to Girl), nice to meet you. You look terrific. What are your qualifications?

Girl: Don’t get grabby now.

Cosby takes out a bottle of pills, opens it and tries to drop pills into the drinks. Girl turns her head to Cosby.

Girl: I’ve got my eye on you.

Trump: Just a club soda, Bill, without the sedatives this time. Last time I had a drink with you I couldn’t find my underwear.

Girl: Gross!

Ailes: Ha!

Cosby: Dohhh.

Cosby puts the pills back in his pocket.

Girl (still holding cellphone toward Cosby, but turning her head back to Trump): Well, my qualifications are in communications. I’m a social media expert. And I also know how to work the video camera on a cellphone, as you can see.

Ailes: And.

Girl: And I’m really good with customer relations.

Trump (flirty): Really? What’s your experience in customer relations.

Cosby passes out the drinks.

Cosby: Drinks served.

Everybody holds their drinks and they wait for Cosby to sip. Cosby sips.

Trump: You didn’t do anything to these drinks, right?

Cosby (to Trump): You’re good.

Ailes: What about me? Am I good?

Cosby (to Ailes): Yessir.

Ailes drinks.

Girl: Am I good?

Cosby: Dohhh!

Girl: What?

Cosby takes her drink and gives his drink to her.

Cosby: Here, you can have my drink.

Girl: You already drank out of it.

Cosby takes his drink back and gives her original drink back to her.

Cosby: Ok, here’s your drink.

Girl: You promise you didn’t put anything in my drink to make me pass out?

Cosby: You’ll still be awake. Just woozy.

Girl: What?

Girl puts down her drink.

Girl: Forget it, you don’t get my qualifications!

Girl exits.

Trump: Way to go, Bill. Now who am I going to get to be my Press Secretary?

Cosby: What about Kellyanne?

Cosby sips from his drink again.

Trump (shrugging shoulders): Maybe?

Trump drinks his club soda.

Trump: Ooh, this tastes weird.

Trump puts down his drink.

Ailes: We have more interviews, Donald.

Ailes taps the phone next to his chair for an intercom.

Ailes: Send in the next interview.

Somebody’s Mom enters. She wears a seemingly self-knitted holiday sweater. While holding her salmon dish and fork, she eats and talks at the same time.

Somebody’s Mom: Yeah, I’m here on behalf of my daughter, you sick fishmongers.

Trump: I love women. And they love me.

Somebody’s Mom: If you pay ‘em enough.

Ailes: Ha! So you what are you here for? Oh, that salmon stinks!

Somebody’s Mom (eating salmon): My daughter was going to interview for this job, but I’m here to make sure she doesn’t get taken advantage of.

Trump: I love women. And they love me.

Cosby: Repeat it enough times and maybe you’ll believe it.

Somebody’s Mom (stops eating): Oh, here’s pill-popping Poppy Chulo criticizing somebody else’s relationship to women? Hey, Spanish Fly, you give all new meaning to the term passive-aggressive. First you make ‘em passive, then you get aggressive.

Cosby: Dohhh!

Ailes: Ha!

Somebody’s Mom (while eating salmon): And Mr. Fox News, do you know why I switched to an all salmon diet? I used to make my own hamburgers all the time, but after reading about you I can’t bear the sight of ground beef.

Ailes covers his genitals with both hands.

Ailes: Honestly, we would like to interview your daughter. We’ll treat her fair and balanced.

Ailes holds out one hand and then the other, like two sides of an imaginary scales of justice in the air.

Somebody’s Mom: Hmm. Ok. Caitlyn!

Caitlyn Jenner enters.

Ailes: Oh, my God.

Trump: Hello, Caitlyn. You voted for me, right?

Jenner: Well, I am a Republican, Mr. President-Elect.

Cosby: I’m out of here.

Ailes: Me too.

Cosby and Ailes try to leave.

Jenner: You’re not going anywhere.

Jenner in a superhero maneuver conks Cosby’s and Ailes’ heads together; and they pass out on the floor.

Somebody’s Mom: That’s my girl!

Jenner hugs Somebody’s Mom.

Somebody’s Mom (to Trump): Well, Mr. Big Shot?

Trump (to Jenner): You’re tough. You’re smart. You’re hire…! (trailing off)

Jenner: Thank you, Mr. P…

Trump passes out on the floor next to Cosby and Ailes.

Somebody’s Mom (ribbing Jenner): I guess he hit a wall, huh?

Jenner and Somebody’s Mom (to the camera): And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Sid Caesar’s Scintillating Comedy

February 16, 2014 Leave a comment

The 1950s comedy is so scintillating it still holds up today as some of the freshest, funniest theatricality you will ever see. If you’ve never seen Your Show Of Shows or Caesar’s Hour, do yourself a favor and go buy the DVDs. You are in for a treat! Check out who wrote for Caesar. : )

Picture source: http://cdn-media.hollywood.com/images/638×425/2137406.jpg

Read more: http://www.hollywood.com/news/celebrities/56786854/sid-caesar-dead-this-is-your-life?page=all

Here are some youtube videos of some of my favorite sketches.  It’s worth buying the DVDs to see all of them.
“20 Minutes For Lunch”
“The Professor on Mountain Climbing”

“Gallipacci”

“The Small Apartment”

Surveil You Later? — How the N.S.A. ruined the Information Age

November 14, 2013 Leave a comment


The National Security Agency (N.S.A.) headquarters at Ft. Meade, Maryland.

picture source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/84/National_Security_Agency_headquarters,_Fort_Meade,_Maryland.jpg

The N.S.A. ruined the Information Age.
Who wants to shop online with somebody looking over your
shoulder? President Obama, you know what it’s like to be
followed while shopping. Why do it to us, in our homes, at
our offices, or wherever we may be connected to the world
wide web?

Maybe somebody was on his cellphone at the park and wanted to
check the score of the football game he just bet on. It’s
none of the government’s business if two consenting adults
make a gentleman’s wager on the outcome of the Giants vs.
Vikings game. Mitt Romney can make $10,000 bets all day, and
it’s none of the government’s business if Rick Perry takes
him up on it or not!

Video: Mitt Romney saying “Rick, I’ll tell you what, 10,000
bucks? $10,000 bet?”

Oh, Mitt!

Now, since Edward Snowden revealed the surveillance-software
suite at the disposal of U.S. government workers, we also
know that the N.S.A. can see our emails, internet search
activity, online bank accounts, and everything we do in the
digital world. So if that’s where we are in present-day
American society, let’s just admit we live in an age of
diminishing privacy. Sure, you can refrain from using the
internet, and give up calling and emailing people. But how
many people are going to stop using their iPhones and
Androids and other so-called smartphones? Once you get ‘em
hooked, you can’t just take away the candy. At least not
without a claim ticket.

That’s why we should use a cellphone check-in
service. In the name of bringing back conversation to
civilized society. Just listen to these two humans talk to
each other when there are no cellphones to interrupt their
natural state.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two men in the audience waiting for a live
show to begin.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
God, this is boring!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:
Totally.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
And we can’t even get online.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:
Hey, by the way, what do you think
about the N.S.A.?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
Seriously?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:
They can’t track us now.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:
Well, I think it’s bad that there’s
no oversight.

Two men in suits suddenly appear.

SUIT #1:
Sir, would you please come with us?

Audience Member #1 gets up to leave with Suit#1.

SUIT #2 (TO AUDIENCE MEMBER #2):
And what do you think about the
N.S.A.?

Audience Member #2 smiles and give two thumbs up.

Suit #2 nods and harrumphs before exiting.

Audience Member #2 slouches down in his seat, stealthily
looks over both shoulders, and turns around with a nervous
head twitch.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Let’s not let it get to this, People. Secret courts for
surveillance programs on American citizens is not what the
framers of the Constitution had in mind. Just in case, the
American Public demanded the first 10 Amendments.
The very first Amendment is Freedom of Religion, Freedom of
the Press, Freedom of Peaceful Assembly to protest the
government, and Freedom of Speech.

Speech is not free when you have somebody looking over your
shoulder the whole time. Just ask Edward Snowden.

Edward Snowden during interview in Hong Kong hotel with UK Guardian reporter, Glenn Greenwald, and Oscar-nominated documentary filmmaker, Laura Poitras.

Picture source: http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/threatlevel/2013/06/Edward-Snowden.jpg

The rest of Europe wants to give him an award, but he’s in
Vladimir Putin’s Russia now. And Snowden thought the N.S.A. was
bad? If he did any whistleblowing on Putin, he’d be in
Russian jail faster than you can say Pussy Riot.

In 2012, band members of Pussy Riot wearing their trademark balaclavas while performing “Punk Prayer” at the Cathedral of Christ the Savior in Moscow. Two of the women in the band are serving out two-year prison sentences for singing their political-protest song in church.

Picture source: http://rt.com/files/news/pussy-riot-court-hearing-355/if499a049ff6dce2e1c1bd012dd9466b2_1.jpg

We live in an age where the whistleblowers of secret U.S.
government surveillance have to hide out with our competitor
countries? How is that Freedom of Speech protection for
Snowden when he has to flee to China’s Hong Kong?

Map of Hong Kong as part of China.

Picture source: https://fandecande.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/14194-china-map-w-hong-kong200.jpeg

And then to Putin’s Russia?

Map of Russia, bordering Europe and Asia.  

Let’s get it all out in the open. Our government spies on
everybody, including its own citizens.

People using N.S.A.-tracked devices.

Picture source: http://www.redorbit.com/media/uploads/2013/09/smartphones-everywhere_TS_80404212_091613-617×416.jpg

If you reveal the secret surveillance, the government will
revoke your passport and you will be in No Man’s Land. All
you can do is throw up your hands and try to make calls for
help, much like being a Verizon Wireless customer near the
beach in L.A.

No, Technology does not always work. And when it does work,
we have no privacy. But our cellphones and our computers
provide those sugary snacks for the mind that we crave day
and night. We don’t really care who watches us, as long as
they let us have our candy.

Edward Snowden just pulled back the curtain on the Wizard of
Oz.

Wizard of Oz behind the curtain when Dorothy reveals him
in the classic film (in color).

But this Oz is very powerful. It’s going to take a lot of
Heart, Brains and Courage to overcome the all-powerful
National Security Agency. But, like I said, give people the
candy they want and they don’t really care what you do behind
the curtain. Especially if you tell them that it has
something to do with stopping terrorists. (Joe Q Public
voice.) “Of course you need everybody’s emails to stop
terrorists. I’m not a terrorist, go ahead.”

We’ll sing “God Bless America” at the 7th inning stretch and
you can track everybody in and out of the stadium.

Aerial view of Dodger Stadium.

Picture source: http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID426/images/dodger-stadium-pic.jpg

Unless, we start doing cellphone check-ins at the ballpark, and
at the movies, and at every public venue! We could take back
our Freedom of Speech if, and only if, we willingly give up
our cellphones for moments during the day.
If we can have coat-check rooms, then we can have cellphone check-in
rooms. Or you can leave your cellphone at home or in
your car. Civilization is what we make of it. The
communication network provided by cellphones and the
internet, that’s the N.S.A.’s domain. But everything else, the
rest of the world, that’s ours. All of ours. Unless you’re
Edward Snowden.

Edward Snowden in Russia.

Picture source: http://img.welt.de/img/ausland/crop121424053/2238725298-ci3x2l-w620/title.jpg

He’s the hero, and yet he’s the one who has to hide. Think
about that the next time the N.S.A. tracks you online while
consuming your internet content.

It’s not so bad now, but just think of what somebody could do
if they wanted to take advantage of our private information:
our business contracts and financial investments, our
professional and personal relationships. This is not the place where government should be. We all have the right to our privacy! Unless you’re a terrorist!

Well, I guess that settles it: the N.S.A. can do whatever it
wants in the name of fighting terrorists and we should use
cellphone check-in rooms to get away from the N.S.A. at certain
points during the day.

Ah, America! The only country that
cares enough to monitor its citizens’ communications 24/7
just to make sure everything is O.K. Like an overbearing
parent!

“It’s for your own good,” they’ll say, as they store
everything we text and type in a super-huge server facility
in Utah, where you can’t even buy a beer on Sunday!


Frosty glass mug of beer.

Picture source: http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/articles/life/drink/2012/02/120224_DRINK_frostedBeerMug.jpg.CROP.rectangle3-large.jpg

What’s next? No tacos on Tuesdays?!

Taco, a happy-hour treat on Tuesdays.

Picture source: http://i.cdn.turner.com/dr/teg/tsg/release/sites/default/files/assets/meattaco.jpg

We have to draw the line somewhere, or the government will
continue to encroach on our privacy and our civil liberties.
I say beer on Sunday and tacos on Tuesdays, and cellphone check-in
rooms, and real regulation on the N.S.A. surveillance. No
secret courts. Let’s have our regulation in a regular court.
And let’s have our daily slice of Americana with our First
Amendment rights intact.

Map of the United States in the
middle of North America.

picture source: http://www.kidcyber.com.au/IMAGES/usa-politcal-map.jpg

Freedom of Speech makes America the best country in
the world. Without Freedom of Speech you might as well be living in Russia.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s like the 80s all over again

August 20, 2013 Leave a comment

It’s like the 80s all over again: everybody’s wearing neon pink, yellow and green; the really rich are far richer than everybody else; and we have a President who makes good speeches and has trouble with the Russians.

By the way, what’s the difference between the United States and Russia? One of them has Edward Snowden.

New revelations of the U.S. government’s expanded data collection of Americans’ internet and cellphone use became public just as Edward Snowden started his 1-year temporary asylum in Russia, or as Putin calls it “The Anti-Pussy Riot.”

Free speech will not be tolerated in Russian churches, but a spy on the run from the U.S. makes Putin want to rip off his shirt and take a picture.