Home > Comic Relief, Literature & Art, Original Thought > For Saturday Night Live: Black & White After Midnight, With Bill Cosby & Roger Ailes

For Saturday Night Live: Black & White After Midnight, With Bill Cosby & Roger Ailes

Interior penthouse. Cosby and Ailes sit in leather seats fireside.

Cosby: Well, Roger, who are we going to do tonight?

Ailes: You mean interview.

Knock at the door.

Cosby: Come in.

In walks The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party

Ailes: Oh, no.

Girl: Oh, my God, Roger, how are you? Or should I say, what ails ya?

Ailes squirms in his chair and tries to stand up. Girl pushes him back down in his seat.

Girl: Oh, no, don’t get up. I know how you like to stay seated so I have to bend over to you. Here they are, Roger. Do you miss them?

Ailes: Uh, what?

Cosby: Hey, what about me?

Girl takes out her smartphone and starts video recording Cosby.

Girl: Nice to meet you, Mr. Cosby. Can you get me something to drink? I’m just going to record you the whole time, so you don’t drug me unawares.

Cosby: Come on now. Those are just rumors.

Ailes: Ha! He gets laughter and sex the same way: forced.

Cosby: Dohhh!

Girl: Oh really, Roger, are you going to be on the next season of The Real Sexual Harassers of New York?

Ailes: This interview isn’t going very well.

Cosby: We need some drinks!

Cosby gets up to make some drinks behind the cocktail bar. Girl points her cellphone at Cosby and turns her head to talk to Ailes.

Girl: I’m here about the job on Craigslist. Help a mystery man make America great again!

Donald Trump enters the room.

Trump: Did somebody say make America great again? Roger, you found me somebody! Bill. (nods to Cosby). Hello (to Girl), nice to meet you. You look terrific. What are your qualifications?

Girl: Don’t get grabby now.

Cosby takes out a bottle of pills, opens it and tries to drop pills into the drinks. Girl turns her head to Cosby.

Girl: I’ve got my eye on you.

Trump: Just a club soda, Bill, without the sedatives this time. Last time I had a drink with you I couldn’t find my underwear.

Girl: Gross!

Ailes: Ha!

Cosby: Dohhh.

Cosby puts the pills back in his pocket.

Girl (still holding cellphone toward Cosby, but turning her head back to Trump): Well, my qualifications are in communications. I’m a social media expert. And I also know how to work the video camera on a cellphone, as you can see.

Ailes: And.

Girl: And I’m really good with customer relations.

Trump (flirty): Really? What’s your experience in customer relations.

Cosby passes out the drinks.

Cosby: Drinks served.

Everybody holds their drinks and they wait for Cosby to sip. Cosby sips.

Trump: You didn’t do anything to these drinks, right?

Cosby (to Trump): You’re good.

Ailes: What about me? Am I good?

Cosby (to Ailes): Yessir.

Ailes drinks.

Girl: Am I good?

Cosby: Dohhh!

Girl: What?

Cosby takes her drink and gives his drink to her.

Cosby: Here, you can have my drink.

Girl: You already drank out of it.

Cosby takes his drink back and gives her original drink back to her.

Cosby: Ok, here’s your drink.

Girl: You promise you didn’t put anything in my drink to make me pass out?

Cosby: You’ll still be awake. Just woozy.

Girl: What?

Girl puts down her drink.

Girl: Forget it, you don’t get my qualifications!

Girl exits.

Trump: Way to go, Bill. Now who am I going to get to be my Press Secretary?

Cosby: What about Kellyanne?

Cosby sips from his drink again.

Trump (shrugging shoulders): Maybe?

Trump drinks his club soda.

Trump: Ooh, this tastes weird.

Trump puts down his drink.

Ailes: We have more interviews, Donald.

Ailes taps the phone next to his chair for an intercom.

Ailes: Send in the next interview.

Somebody’s Mom enters. She wears a seemingly self-knitted holiday sweater. While holding her salmon dish and fork, she eats and talks at the same time.

Somebody’s Mom: Yeah, I’m here on behalf of my daughter, you sick fishmongers.

Trump: I love women. And they love me.

Somebody’s Mom: If you pay ‘em enough.

Ailes: Ha! So you what are you here for? Oh, that salmon stinks!

Somebody’s Mom (eating salmon): My daughter was going to interview for this job, but I’m here to make sure she doesn’t get taken advantage of.

Trump: I love women. And they love me.

Cosby: Repeat it enough times and maybe you’ll believe it.

Somebody’s Mom (stops eating): Oh, here’s pill-popping Poppy Chulo criticizing somebody else’s relationship to women? Hey, Spanish Fly, you give all new meaning to the term passive-aggressive. First you make ‘em passive, then you get aggressive.

Cosby: Dohhh!

Ailes: Ha!

Somebody’s Mom (while eating salmon): And Mr. Fox News, do you know why I switched to an all salmon diet? I used to make my own hamburgers all the time, but after reading about you I can’t bear the sight of ground beef.

Ailes covers his genitals with both hands.

Ailes: Honestly, we would like to interview your daughter. We’ll treat her fair and balanced.

Ailes holds out one hand and then the other, like two sides of an imaginary scales of justice in the air.

Somebody’s Mom: Hmm. Ok. Caitlyn!

Caitlyn Jenner enters.

Ailes: Oh, my God.

Trump: Hello, Caitlyn. You voted for me, right?

Jenner: Well, I am a Republican, Mr. President-Elect.

Cosby: I’m out of here.

Ailes: Me too.

Cosby and Ailes try to leave.

Jenner: You’re not going anywhere.

Jenner in a superhero maneuver conks Cosby’s and Ailes’ heads together; and they pass out on the floor.

Somebody’s Mom: That’s my girl!

Jenner hugs Somebody’s Mom.

Somebody’s Mom (to Trump): Well, Mr. Big Shot?

Trump (to Jenner): You’re tough. You’re smart. You’re hire…! (trailing off)

Jenner: Thank you, Mr. P…

Trump passes out on the floor next to Cosby and Ailes.

Somebody’s Mom (ribbing Jenner): I guess he hit a wall, huh?

Jenner and Somebody’s Mom (to the camera): And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

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