Did you know there are dinosaurs in The White House?
T-Rump and Rex T.
© January 22, 2017 Justin Bass @J3BOh @j333bass #jokes
Interior penthouse. Cosby and Ailes sit in leather seats fireside.
Cosby: Well, Roger, who are we going to do tonight?
Ailes: You mean interview.
Knock at the door.
Cosby: Come in.
In walks The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party
Ailes: Oh, no.
Girl: Oh, my God, Roger, how are you? Or should I say, what ails ya?
Ailes squirms in his chair and tries to stand up. Girl pushes him back down in his seat.
Girl: Oh, no, don’t get up. I know how you like to stay seated so I have to bend over to you. Here they are, Roger. Do you miss them?
Ailes: Uh, what?
Cosby: Hey, what about me?
Girl takes out her smartphone and starts video recording Cosby.
Girl: Nice to meet you, Mr. Cosby. Can you get me something to drink? I’m just going to record you the whole time, so you don’t drug me unawares.
Cosby: Come on now. Those are just rumors.
Ailes: Ha! He gets laughter and sex the same way: forced.
Girl: Oh really, Roger, are you going to be on the next season of The Real Sexual Harassers of New York?
Ailes: This interview isn’t going very well.
Cosby: We need some drinks!
Cosby gets up to make some drinks behind the cocktail bar. Girl points her cellphone at Cosby and turns her head to talk to Ailes.
Girl: I’m here about the job on Craigslist. Help a mystery man make America great again!
Donald Trump enters the room.
Trump: Did somebody say make America great again? Roger, you found me somebody! Bill. (nods to Cosby). Hello (to Girl), nice to meet you. You look terrific. What are your qualifications?
Girl: Don’t get grabby now.
Cosby takes out a bottle of pills, opens it and tries to drop pills into the drinks. Girl turns her head to Cosby.
Girl: I’ve got my eye on you.
Trump: Just a club soda, Bill, without the sedatives this time. Last time I had a drink with you I couldn’t find my underwear.
Cosby puts the pills back in his pocket.
Girl (still holding cellphone toward Cosby, but turning her head back to Trump): Well, my qualifications are in communications. I’m a social media expert. And I also know how to work the video camera on a cellphone, as you can see.
Girl: And I’m really good with customer relations.
Trump (flirty): Really? What’s your experience in customer relations.
Cosby passes out the drinks.
Cosby: Drinks served.
Everybody holds their drinks and they wait for Cosby to sip. Cosby sips.
Trump: You didn’t do anything to these drinks, right?
Cosby (to Trump): You’re good.
Ailes: What about me? Am I good?
Cosby (to Ailes): Yessir.
Girl: Am I good?
Cosby takes her drink and gives his drink to her.
Cosby: Here, you can have my drink.
Girl: You already drank out of it.
Cosby takes his drink back and gives her original drink back to her.
Cosby: Ok, here’s your drink.
Girl: You promise you didn’t put anything in my drink to make me pass out?
Cosby: You’ll still be awake. Just woozy.
Girl puts down her drink.
Girl: Forget it, you don’t get my qualifications!
Trump: Way to go, Bill. Now who am I going to get to be my Press Secretary?
Cosby: What about Kellyanne?
Cosby sips from his drink again.
Trump (shrugging shoulders): Maybe?
Trump drinks his club soda.
Trump: Ooh, this tastes weird.
Trump puts down his drink.
Ailes: We have more interviews, Donald.
Ailes taps the phone next to his chair for an intercom.
Ailes: Send in the next interview.
Somebody’s Mom enters. She wears a seemingly self-knitted holiday sweater. While holding her salmon dish and fork, she eats and talks at the same time.
Somebody’s Mom: Yeah, I’m here on behalf of my daughter, you sick fishmongers.
Trump: I love women. And they love me.
Somebody’s Mom: If you pay ‘em enough.
Ailes: Ha! So you what are you here for? Oh, that salmon stinks!
Somebody’s Mom (eating salmon): My daughter was going to interview for this job, but I’m here to make sure she doesn’t get taken advantage of.
Trump: I love women. And they love me.
Cosby: Repeat it enough times and maybe you’ll believe it.
Somebody’s Mom (stops eating): Oh, here’s pill-popping Poppy Chulo criticizing somebody else’s relationship to women? Hey, Spanish Fly, you give all new meaning to the term passive-aggressive. First you make ‘em passive, then you get aggressive.
Somebody’s Mom (while eating salmon): And Mr. Fox News, do you know why I switched to an all salmon diet? I used to make my own hamburgers all the time, but after reading about you I can’t bear the sight of ground beef.
Ailes covers his genitals with both hands.
Ailes: Honestly, we would like to interview your daughter. We’ll treat her fair and balanced.
Ailes holds out one hand and then the other, like two sides of an imaginary scales of justice in the air.
Somebody’s Mom: Hmm. Ok. Caitlyn!
Caitlyn Jenner enters.
Ailes: Oh, my God.
Trump: Hello, Caitlyn. You voted for me, right?
Jenner: Well, I am a Republican, Mr. President-Elect.
Cosby: I’m out of here.
Ailes: Me too.
Cosby and Ailes try to leave.
Jenner: You’re not going anywhere.
Jenner in a superhero maneuver conks Cosby’s and Ailes’ heads together; and they pass out on the floor.
Somebody’s Mom: That’s my girl!
Jenner hugs Somebody’s Mom.
Somebody’s Mom (to Trump): Well, Mr. Big Shot?
Trump (to Jenner): You’re tough. You’re smart. You’re hire…! (trailing off)
Jenner: Thank you, Mr. P…
Trump passes out on the floor next to Cosby and Ailes.
Somebody’s Mom (ribbing Jenner): I guess he hit a wall, huh?
Jenner and Somebody’s Mom (to the camera): And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
The truth is as hard to grasp as water in your hand. – Justin Bass, copyright June 5, 2015.
Carcinogens in oil-drilling wastewater pose a threat to California’s drinking water. That is why on July 1, 2015, the State Water Resources Control Board will craft its first groundwater-protection program. The final criteria will be based partly on input from the public in May and June. Unfortunately, the Water Board has no plan for a public-awareness campaign to let the people know about the public-comment period, other than the Water Board’s website.
Anyone can make suggestions to the Board’s headquarters in Sacramento by email, fax, standard mail or in person, until May 29. Then the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory will make its recommendations available to the public on June 16. Public comment on the final draft of the groundwater model criteria will be open until June 29. If all goes according to schedule, the Board will finalize the groundwater plan July 1 and adopt it officially on July 7.
In contrast to New York’s moratorium on hydraulic fracturing (“fracking”), California decided to regulate all methods of well stimulation used by the oil companies. California is not only the 7th largest economy on the planet, it is also the 3rd largest oil-producing state in the country.
The black dots represent California’s active oil wells regulated by the state’s Department of Conservation (map procured from http://maps.conservation.ca.gov/doggr/index.html#close):
This is the first time in the history of the state that California will regulate enhanced methods of oil extraction used by oil companies, since oil drilling started in the Golden State over 120 years ago. Long, metal straws, as oil-drilling pipes, pierce the groundwater on the way to the pools of fossil fuels thousands of feet below the surface. Any leak in the oil-drilling pipe could contaminate the groundwater. The oil companies also use injection wells to dispose of wastewater. Likewise, the injection wells stick through the groundwater, and any hole in the injection wells could pollute the groundwater.
California does not even know how much groundwater it has because nobody has ever bothered to measure and track it. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency allowed oil companies to dump waste into certain areas of California’s groundwater because it was thought that the water was so deep and dirty it would never need to be used. Farmers who typically drilled to a depth of 500 feet to access drinking water now have to drill past 1,000 feet to reach the potable groundwater. Corporations, like Crystal Geyser, Coca-Cola and Nestlé, also drill for California’s groundwater to make as much bottled water as they want, and they do so legally because the state currently allows property owners to access the water under the land they own. Some parts of the state are sinking, or subsiding, because taking water out of the sediment is similar to letting air out of a tire.
Now in the fourth year of a debilitating drought, Governor Jerry Brown and the Water Board enacted a 25 percent reduction in urban water use. California farmers, who grow the overwhelming majority of fruits, nuts and vegetables for the rest of the country, have also agreed to a 25 percent reduction in water use. On top of that, the Metropolitan Water District, which supplies drinking water for most of the 22 million people living in Southern California, announced a 15 percent reduction in imported water from the Colorado River and Northern California. The panoply of water-rationing programs will go into effect on July 1.
There is less water to go around for California’s 38 million people and to grow the fresh produce shared with America’s 300 million-plus thirsty and hungry mouths. Yet oil companies continue to use well-stimulation techniques that could contaminate drinking and irrigation water. The state’s oil regulators admitted that oil companies have been illegally dumping drilling waste into underground sources of drinking water that were not exempted by the EPA. Recently 23 of the offending injection wells were shut down.
The U.S. Clean Water Act protects surface waters, such as lakes and rivers, from which California draws about 25 percent of its potable water. The U.S. Safe Drinking Water Act protects the other 75 percent of the Golden State’s drinkable water, which comes in the form of groundwater. There is one exception to the SDWA: the Republican-majority Congress of 2005 exempted fracking fluids from federal regulation, thus leaving it up to the states to regulate fracking contamination of groundwater. Now California’s oil regulators are investigating all 50,000 injection wells in California, and they suspect approximately 2,500 injection wells may be operating in violation of the SDWA.
In addition, President Barack Obama will announce a new rule to protect all United States drinking water, surface water and groundwater, The New York Times reported on May 22, 2015.
“There are enough chemicals in oils that are carcinogens,” but when acid-mixes are used to stimulate the oil well and then injection wells shoot the hazardous materials underground “that’s even worse. That creates all the chlorinated hydrocarbons, which are all carcinogens. Like chloroform, that’s a carbonate. All the PCBs, all the polychlorinated biphenyls, are even more toxic,” said Dr. Robert Schiestl, who is a professor of Pathology, Environmental Health Science and Radiation Oncology at the University of California, Los Angeles, as well as a member of the University’s Jonsson Comprehensive Cancer Center. “Epidemiological studies lag behind 40 years because that’s how long it takes for the people to get cancer.”
Many times health professionals, like those at the Children’s Hospital Los Angeles for example, treat the symptoms of leukemia without anyone ever asking what caused the leukemia in the first place. A mother, who for many years has lived on the same block as a residential oil-drilling site in the City of LA, gave birth to a child with leukemia, her neighbor said. The baby died and the mother does not want to talk about it for public consumption, according to the neighbor, who did not want to be named. When asked if a woman could give birth to a child with leukemia as a result of drinking water with oil-drilling contaminants in it, Dr. Schiestl answered, “It is possible.”
Since January 1, 2014, oil companies operating in California are required by the law, known as Senate Bill 4, to inform neighbors of any well stimulation within 1,500 feet (or the length of five football fields), so that the neighbors can request tests of the local groundwater. The oil companies and their state regulators keep changing the definition of well stimulation. Therefore, the public is not notified and never knows its rights. Likewise, California’s first groundwater-monitoring program is supposed to be open for public comment, starting with a public workshop in Sacramento on May 19. Again, the majority of the public did not know about Tuesday’s open event and most people do not know about the problem of oil companies contaminating the public groundwater.
In March, Governor Brown staged a photo-op in front of a desiccated, Sierra Nevada mountainside, where there is historically a visible covering of white snow for scientists to measure. April storms provided enough snow for popular winter resorts in Mammoth Mountain and Tahoe to extend their ski seasons, but 2015 was the driest winter in California since the state started recordkeeping of droughts in the 1800s. California needs snow more than rain, because snow melts slowly and accumulates in underground aquifers whereas rain runs off into the gutters and out to the ocean before state and local agencies can collect it for drinking. Not only does the oil industry contaminate groundwater with its use of injection wells dumping into pristine aquifers, but the burning of oil creates warmer precipitation events and thus depletes California’s essential snowpack. The snowpack is the state’s slow-drip supply of drinking water. Snow we can hold in our hands, rain runs through our fingers.
Despite having a law to protect drinking water from oil-drilling contamination, the enforcement of the law is still up to the oil regulators at the Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources (under the aegis of the Department of Conservation), who are operating in the best interest of the oil companies’ profits and the $6 billion worth of annual taxes they produce for the state, rather than informing the public of potential well-stimulation contaminants in the groundwater, beneath their homes and near the oil drilling sites.
The $6 billion tax figure comes from a December 24, 2013 Op-Ed published in the Los Angeles Times by Catherine Reheis-Boyd, the president of the Western States Petroleum Association. The WSPA lobbies for the oil industry in California and five other states. When the LA City Council voted to ban hydraulic fracturing within the city limits in 2014, the oil companies and their lobbyists threatened to sue the City. So there is no ban on hydraulic fracturing in the City of LA.
To date, California has conducted only one SB 4-related, water-quality test, and that test was for surface water not groundwater, according to Andrew DiLuccia, Public Information Officer at California’s Water Board. “The test results indicated no impacts associated with well stimulation,” he said about the lone water test near Fillmore, in Ventura County, California. None of the underground sources of drinking water polluted by the oil companies’ 23 illegal injection wells have been tested under SB 4 regulations. However, benzene, a known human carcinogen, was detected inside fracking wastewater at “levels thousands of times greater than state and federal agencies consider safe” in 2013, according to an article from the Pulitzer-Prize winning reporter, Julie Cart, of the Los Angeles Times.
“Benzene is the most toxic of the fuel components and can seriously affect the blood cells. Industrial workers exposed to high levels of benzene in the air were at higher risk of developing a type of anemia and of having a low white blood cell count than other unexposed workers,” reads a July 1997 report from the New Jersey Department of Health and Senior Services, titled Volatile Organic Compounds in Drinking Water. “Leukemia, a form of cancer of the white blood cells, was more likely to occur in industrial workers as compared to other workers. There is also limited evidence that benzene can injure the fetus or cause miscarriage.”
Statewide water rationing goes into effect this summer for all Californians, while the oil companies continue to use known carcinogens and stimulate oil wells with thousands of gallons of hydrochloric acid mixed with thousands of gallons of water. For instance, Breitburn Energy and Pacific Coast Energy operate dozens of active oil wells, called West Pico, at the corner of Pico Boulevard and Doheny Drive in the City of Los Angeles. The City is host to hundreds of active oil wells, many of which are in residential neighborhoods, where people in cars navigate the streets and pedestrians walk in the shade of tree-lined sidewalks.
The black dots represent the City of LA’s active oil wells:
The Department of Conservation’s public records show that on January 2, 2014, DOGGR’s engineer, John Huff, approved the West Pico 12 oil well to begin “stimulation of the Hauser Formation & new Repetto perforations with 15% HCl [Hydrochloric Acid],” in the Beverly Hills-adjacent neighborhood represented by LA City Councilmember, Paul Koretz. (Hauser and Repetto are millions-of-years-old geological formations.) This use of acid to stimulate the oil well is considered “maintenance” by the oil regulators, but it still creates wastewater that the oil company injects deep into the ground, in the same neighborhood as moms pushing baby strollers and dads pitching to bat-wielding kids in the front yards.
“DOGGR does not do an adequate job of regulation,” Koretz said.
Many of the local residents have no idea about the toxic chemicals being used down the block. “If we had known about the oil drilling, we never would’ve moved here,” said Lyndsey Vlaicu, who lives with her husband and their 2-year-old son within a stone’s throw of Pacific Coast Energy’s West Pico oil derrick, which is disguised behind a building-like façade and a fringe of trees. “I can smell gas four to five times a week.” Acrid fumes pervade the air more so when the workers show up with their trucks, Vlaicu added.
Full disclosure: I used to live on the same block as the West Pico oil wells, but moved away in March 2015. I did not know Mrs. Vlaicu until after I moved from the neighborhood and began reporting this story. Like many of the residents on the block, I was not notified about the productive oil derrick, which is located about the length of one football field away from my former apartment.
The black dots represent the active West Pico oil wells:
In practice, the regulators at DOGGR determine what constitutes well stimulation, no matter what the text of SB 4 states. There is no agency other than DOGGR to enforce the law and there is no recourse for the people of California to challenge DOGGR’s authority. The EPA gave California “primacy” to regulate its oil drilling and groundwater, which the state ostensibly fulfills through DOGGR and the law, SB 4. The oil companies’ lobbyists helped to write the law and their regulators assist the oil companies to get around the required public disclosure of well stimulation.
“This is the well that we want to perforate the Repetto and do an acid job,” wrote Frank Smith of Breitburn Energy to Huff, the oil regulator at DOGGR, on January 27, 2014. “We believe that there is adequate protection of any USDW [Underground Source of Drinking Water]. Tom [McCollum of Pacific Coast Energy] and I would like to call you around 9:15 am this morning to discuss with you. Our West Pico rig is awaiting orders and not having to do a cement squeeze would save us about $100,000.”
Breitburn got the approval for Pacific Coast Energy to go ahead with the acid job.
“To follow up on our phone conversation, based on the results of the cement bond log, no cement squeeze is necessary at this time,” wrote Huff, the oil regulator.
A cement bond log calculates the thickness and quality of the cement around the oil pipe.
Not only would it have added to the cost, but the cement squeeze at West Pico 12 would have also added an extra layer of protection between the groundwater and the toxic chemicals in the oil/acid mix running through the industrial piping. For a reference point, the inadequate cement job and the overdue cement bond log at the Deepwater Horizon oil drill in the Gulf of Mexico were largely to blame for the catastrophic ocean spill in 2010.
The cause of the massive oil spill in the California ocean water near Santa Barbara on May 19 is still unknown, as of this reporting.
It is important to note that solar-electric panels and plug-in cars never polluted the water in California. It’s time for all of us, as a civilization, to transition from using oil and other fossil fuels as soon as possible. We, the consumers, are causing our own problems by perpetuating the production and sale of dirty fossil fuels because almost all of us continue to use them in one way or another. We use oil and gas for our cars and we cook with natural gas flames. We heat our water with fire and we produce our electricity by burning fossils fuels. However, our cars, our cooking, our heated water and our electricity can all be energized by the Sun. If you want to point a finger at anyone for the problem of global warming, the prolonged drought and the scarcity of clean water in California, power down your computer or phone, extend your index finger toward the black screen and take a good, hard look at your reflection. What are you going to do? You can no longer plead ignorance. Now you know the problems and the solutions. So what are you going to do?
Here is the Water Board’s website:
Go to page 4 of the highlighted document below to see “well stimulation” at the West Pico 40 oil well, as the South Coast Air Quality Management District, or AQMD, defines it:
After receiving a public records request in April 2015, the AQMD, has delayed the release of 2014 and 2015 chemical reports at the West Pico facility, due to possible trade secrets, said Lisa Ramos, Public Records Coordinator at AQMD. SB 4 protects trade secrets as long as the oil company reports the chemicals to DOGGR and defines the use of them as “well stimulation.”
Neither Breitburn Energy executives nor Pacific Coast Energy executives returned calls and emails requesting a comment about their residential oil drilling and “well stimulation” that runs through neighborhood groundwater.
Read the public document cited in this article for yourself:
After many attempts to interview the oil regulators in California, the Assistant Chief Counsel for the Department of Conservation, Justin Turner, replied via email, “The Department does not make field inspectors available to the press for interviews, as a rule. An exception will not be made in this case.”
Multiple requests for an interview with Governor Jerry Brown went unanswered, including a hard-copy request mailed in an envelope to his office in Sacramento, as is the policy of his office. For the past two weeks, Governor Brown’s phone number responds with an answering machine stating that nobody can take a call and to try again later.
After more than a month of requesting an interview with Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom, his Communications Director and Senior Advisor, Rhys Williams, emailed back, “At this time, we’re unable to accommodate your request.”
* I submitted many different versions of this article to Los Angeles Times, LA Weekly, The Orange County Register, The New York Times, The Atlantic, Rolling Stone, National Public Radio stations 89.3 KPCC and 89.9 KCRW, as well as to local and national television news stations and many other news outlets. None of them decided to publish the article, so I am publishing it here because the information in this article is in the public interest.
Justin Bass is a freelance reporter and environmental advocate living in Los Angeles. He has a Master’s degree in Journalism from Columbia University and previously reported on the financial markets in New York. He has worked for both SolarCity and Tesla Motors.
“Get more out of your solar power system by using water as a battery”
Fande = Fact & Evidence; Cande = Conjecture & Exaggeration
Bring your Fande, leave your Cande!